Why I'm still not going back to church, part 2

There are really only two parts (well, technically three since I inserted one) to this story. The past and the present. I must say that what I will be presenting will seem very picky. If you think it is, I agree with you.

We found ourselves back at the one church that we do like on Christmas Eve. Honestly, I kind of dreaded it a bit. Just the going to church part. I knew what my frame of mind would be and I really didn't want to go there. I really do enjoy Christmas time. We follow Advent at home with the kids by reading scripture and lighting candles. I love the time of preparation for the birth.

Christmas has always been a mysterious story to me. Mary and Joseph and their situation. Why did God choose them? The angels. The revelation to the shepherds and later the wise men. There's just so much wonder to the entire story and why God chose to expose himself during this time and in that place.

We sat with our family who was visiting and listened while preparations were still being made. The band started and we joined them in singing traditional Christmas songs. I couldn't watch the people on stage. I've learned that about myself now. I can't watch the people up front because they're too distracting to me. Instead, I watched the words on the screen and focused on that.

After the singing a man came out and did a one-act play as Gabriel. He didn't really appeal to me. I know my Dad will disagree with me on this. I'm not one for plays during a church service. I've also found that I've come to a point in my church life that I don't want to be entertained. This can be said also for the music. I didn't come to watch a show. I want to focus on God and plays and rockin' music don't really help me do that.

The preacher came out for a while. He seemed to come out of nowhere. I didn't really feel like his sermon was all too focused on Christmas. Really, as I'm writing this, I don't even remember what he said. At some point during his sermon a woman came out to give her testimony. She was a cancer survivor and while I was very happy for her that she found strength from God during her time, I felt like her words were too polished and refined. I believe that I have also come to a point in my church life where I want to see and hear people's joys and struggles in their own natural way.

The preacher then appeared out of nowhere again to finish his thoughts. The band did a special song with a gal singing. All I could think of was that she wasn't finishing her words. We sang another song and we were out of there in a little over an hour.

All little nit-picky things, I know. But, this is where I am in my church walk right now. I honestly don't think that I can be a part of a church (in a building) community until I get past this. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but I don't think it's fair to God or the community if I'm just walking in with the mindset that I'm going to be annoyed by them.

Here's what I do know. I'm ok with not being a in a church (in a building) right now. Please notice that I designate church - in a building - because I do believe that I am a part of the greater church as in the Bride of Christ. I have not stopped believing in Jesus. I connect with other believers. I'm just not ready to do church again. I guess that I've done church for so long that I'm ready to be done with what's involved in doing church.

I just want to be with the church. I want to be with people who struggle and who have joyous times. I don't want to be with people who just put on a happy face on a Sunday morning. I want to see honesty from people.

I also don't want to be entertained and I don't necessarily want my kids to be entertained too. They need to learn about how to read the Bible without taking things out of context and what it means to live a life while following God.

I want to be comfortable asking questions about faith. And, I want my kids to feel comfortable with this too. Too many times churches freak out if questions are asked. We welcome questions in our home and I think that God can handle the questions.

I also don't want legalism, but I do want to continue to learn about applying the Bible to today's life. Legalism is going in the wrong direction of faith, grace and mercy. I'm seeing too many churches lean on legalism and I believe that becomes more cult-like. There are too many hurting Christians coming out of legalistic churches.

I also do know that since we've taken a break from going to church, I have been less angry at God and have found some healing from some of the past experiences. I also feel that I have grown closer to God during this time. I have also enjoyed having the freedom of giving to people and organizations that we think are doing wonderful works for God's kingdom. For too long I was angry at the church every time I gave my money to them. I didn't agree with the direction that the church was going and I didn't feel right giving my money to a place where I didn't agree with them. It has been so freeing to give my money to the church at large.

I don't know when we'll get back in a church building. I'm sure we will at some point. Until then, I think we're doing alright. And I would venture to guess that God thinks we're doing alright as well.